Journey to the Photography Lifestyle Pt.1

I’m Done

No More 9-5

December 2014 

I’m 23, married with an 18 month old son and a daughter due in 6 months and I can’t breathe

Such a gruesome drive, takes an hour and a half to get there. I have to talk my self into getting up and hold my self hostage in order to get into the car. It’s brutal, no passion for it, not because its hard or I’m having trouble catching on or coworkers are effecting my environment. But, it’s not me. It’s too small for me. It’s not big enough for me, its not helping me impact/change the world in anyway that I have been called to do. There’s something inside me that’s trying to get out, and I’m struggling to keep it hidden. But what is it?

The fact that I don’t know what it is, is the reason that I have always hidden it. I actually use to think that it was my anger that I was hiding from everyone. I use to think there was some dark cloud hovering over me and that was the reason for my solitude. But then I started to understand that it was in actuality my sadness that I was hiding, not just from everyone but most importantly, from myself. I didn’t understand, couldn’t figure out how it had gotten past me or how I kept it so hidden. But I couldn’t hide it anymore, it was there.

I have been working for this Concrete Demolition Company for 4 months and I’m already going to quit. I won’t be able to make it to a year let alone 6 months. I have been called to do something bigEditger and regardless that I don’t know what that is yet, I can’t keep running and hiding from it. It won’t let me. It pauses me, stops me in my tracks, draws my attention, and makes me dream.

There’s a children’s book that I read to my son called, “What do you do with an Idea?” by Kobi Yamada, I absolutely love this book, it’s magnificent. It’s a story about a boy who has an idea but doesn’t understand what it is. It describes the boys journey with his new found idea, the ups and downs and how he finally understands what it was asking for the whole time. His love, belief, and attention. So powerful. 

I bought that book when I was on an out of state job for the Concrete Demolition Company in Seattle, Washington. I dreaded being away from my pregnant wife and son. So I made the decision and told myself that, “there is no way that I will continue this line of work into next year.” Two weeks after returning from the out of town trip I requested to be laid off from my job.

What am I going to do? We don’t even have our own place, we live with my wife’s parents. I don’t have an exact plan or even a clear direction that I know we should travel in. But I have to go, I have to give our future the time and attention that it deserves. There is no way that I can let one more day go by working somewhere that is not helping me get closer to what I am called to do. Change continues now.

Little did I know that what I understood as sadness inside of me, was actually my inspiration.

I just misinterpreted it.

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